Right there, I was waiting for you. Instead of you showing up, the rain did. I felt cold and desolated. Should I have waited for this storm to pass, just to see you, passing through.
so perfect to me :’)
if there’s one thing i learnt from the past few months, is that i’m not just one person
i mean you can always know things but don’t always internalize it, process it, then reflect on it
don’t you feel that strengths are really just revised weaknesses?
my friends somehow seem to think that i’ll always find a way, or i’ll get around things by some magical chance
which has always been proven true, so i dread the day when otherwise happens
i’ll probably be reduced to a vulnerable puddle, because i knew everything of immunity
or how caring too much or being too thoughtful can be something bad
what can a holder of such authentic emotions do when empathy can be manufactured, misused, leveraged on
would you then consider naivete to be the greatest strength?
though giving more credit to the unworldly mind than deserved,
but also serving as a strong, unyielding shield
protecting from complex and cunning
would it be different then?
half glass full or half glass empty
most of the time i think i got it all together but in reality, aka other people’s eyes, i probably don’t
and that’s totally fine by me :-)
i’m just glad that i’m coming to terms with this and not retreating back into my cave of binge-suits-watching and sloth-like sleeping habits
i’m just going to do what i want to do
even if that means being shortsighted and ‘living in the moment’
i felt so miserable with all the pressure i was putting on myself
and then one day it became slightly clearer
ok a lot of credit in my enlightenment goes to that 4 hour long conversation at hv’s coffeebean
the other day i caught myself second guessing your intentions and i almost felt sick with myself
how could i? why would you think about something like that? what is wrong with you? why don’t you believe? even after everything!
in a perfect world it would be just all rhetorical questions but they aren’t
should probably let my guard down more and learn to really appreciate things
i always just say it but i don’t think i actually do it enough
so i think this time i’m going to try even harder
as every august comes, i allow for some self-deprecation
more so than the other months
i’ll give myself the leeway to feel small and under appreciated
let all of these feelings get heightened and magnified
just because i can
if you break it down, people celebrate birthdays because that’s the day they were born
the day they a human being gets brought to life!
but what’s it worth celebrating if you aren’t really living?
i’ve been blessed enough with a family that bothers, so i was always conditioned to think that i was special
but growing up made me realise that being special wasn’t so much of a given, but it was to be earned
or at least that’s what i thought
so as it hit midnight, i started thinking about
the many times that i felt like i wasn’t worth it
or the times when my efforts in relationships weren’t enough
i hate how all of this somehow still overshadows the wonderful
i’m sure it wasn’t on purpose, but
you know how it goes
the next day was quietly eventful (i think i finally understood what you had been telling me for the past few years)
had a very comic lunch, a leisurely gallivant around town and a very entertaining dinner after
i was then carefully led to a karaoke lounge in the dark somewhere with all my favorite people behind the mics
followed by some more laughter by the riverside
after some pauses and in my stupor, i blurted something like
"i’m just afraid of knowing that i’m not special enough"
this is going to sound terribly unromantic because i can’t remember what your reply was, but you probably said something positive enough for us to stumble all the way back up to the 62nd floor, happy and contented
though i think it had something to do with “don’t say that” and “we’re here for you”
maybe being special still isn’t a given, but i don’t think it’s supposed to be earned either
as becca moody would say in all cryptic fashion, “it is what it is”, or “you gotta love him for who he is, not his potential”
but one thing i know for sure, love in the right places is always worth it :-)
that choosing me doesn’t feel
like a choice at all.
i feel rather happy right now so this is just a narration of how my night went
tonight we went to chinaone for the 10-12 liquid buffet. downed a copious amount of whiskey and tequila. got transported to a good place
then we headed over to butter. moral of my story is try not to stay bored because i end up feeling bad and paying for my own drink and running away. bump was mad crowded so zhao, chuan and i ended up at art bar dancing to slow r&b ballads and bob marley, along with a random indian dude and paulo the bartender. smiled till my cheeks hurt
sat at the steps of butter, watched zhao momentarily transform into a superhero - carrying a dead drunk girl bridal style up the stairs and flipped her on his back into a cab. then watched him help calm down two angry parties in a fight. haha and all i did was watch and laugh
walked to macs in shoes from marcus to save my feet. gulped down one giant ice milo and one small milo. talked about penises and boobs and other adult-like things
took a cab home when the sun was up. took a shower and now i’m here. took a breather and i’m back
i’m pretty sure i’m sober now but i always just end up missing you. it’s such a recurring thing that it makes me wonder whether you feel the same. there’s always such a disconnect when it comes to me!
life’s better with you around :)
bad phase in my life
wait it out
i’ll get through it
They ask me about him like questioning a spirit
called back from the dead at a séance.
Want to know if my eyeteeth fell for him first;
it’s long been rumored that the body knows best.
My grandmother used to catch the rain in an hourglass
instead of a gauge or metal pail.
Rain is life, she said. When it stops falling,
you know your time is out.
They wonder if the geography of my skin has changed
since meeting him, if my heart has opened into new continents
the same way Pangaea split apart amid a ring of seas,
if my spine has begun to crack at the mere mention of his name.
But they know nothing.
I could give them metaphors, figurative language
made beautiful merely through being spoken,
could say, I was a series of broken piano keys until he fixed all my strings,
and now, everything is no longer black and white.
But I know better, and so did my grandmother.
I know one day our rain will stop falling.
We are both thunderstorms
we will part ways into the sky from which we came.
when will it ever be enough for me! when? when! tell me! how much is enough? how much can i take! when do the scales tip! tell me! what has to happen? how far can you push it? how far away is the edge! tell me!